I am a master at self-sabotage. I can fuck up even a foolproof plan. I know you think I have to be exaggerating, but trust me. I can ruin any great thing I have coming.
Before I really get into the personal stuff and show you how masterfully I can sabotage any good thing, let’s look at a definition of self-sabotage:
Behavior is said to be self-sabotaging when it creates problems and interferes with long-standing goals.
Well, now, that’s an awfully nice, neat definition. But, what does that look like in reality? Well, now it’s time for me to get really honest. Now it’s time for me to tell you about my most-honed skill. I can’t call it my best skill…I just can’t, I mean self-sabotage is NOT a good thing
Here is what self-sabotage looks like most often in my life:
- Knowing that I have a great chance to make headlines and generate massive traffic for a project…and instead, I stay in bed all day…under the weight and soothing purrs of my black cat
- Knowing that I have a big goal to save for…say, a Trip to London, and yet instead of saving any extra funds for the trip, I’m shopping online-only brands
- I WANT to pay down my debt and improve my credit score so that I have a shot at one day getting my own apartment. Instead, I find myself buying books, or other bits and bobs online that might make me happy for a few hours but don’t really get me anywhere near my long-term goal.
- I WANT to always have some money put aside in case neat things pop up in my area or there is a surprise announcement of Ed Sheeran or James Taylor (hey judge me, on this I care not…their music is perfect for almost every day of my life) but always wanting to shop for the things listed above or the occasional luxury brand deep discount end of season sales currently means I am missing out on what is sure to be an awesome concert in late August.
- Wanting to lose weight, but always reaching for a peach soda or a chocolate treat.
- Knowing that I am just a few hours of hard, non-stop work away from getting a major project off the ground…and finding myself sat in front of the DVR watching show after show or playing with one of my many apps that qualifies as a time suck.
- Knowing that if I keep my head down, and my mouth shut, I might be able to dig myself out and to a better place financially and emotionally…and instead, I ask someone for an opinion knowing that that person is very capable of turning hostile and bitter and that their reaction will just make me want to shop til I feel better.
Pssst…I did the list this way instead of the soul-shredding deep dive that I had intended because a very sweet friend and mentor told me to be honest and open but that she would not allow me to to beat myself up over things that are in the past and cannot be changed.
Unfortunately, connecting a behavior to self-defeating consequences is no guarantee that a person will disengage from the behavior. Still, it is possible to overcome almost any form of self-sabotage, and people do it every day.
I guess I wrote this article to help me face my behaviors and to at least try to begin to change them.
I did discover that I can put away $50 every month without it really hurting my budget, and it looks like I’ll be able to up that to $75 next year thanks to the reported increase in SSI Benefit Payments for 2019.